The PsychoKitty Speaks Out

2012-02-15T13:38:00.000-08:00

The Woman took this picture of me a little while ago. Other than the trash bag that was behind me, I think it's a mighty find picture.

Sadly, the picture doesn't show the awesomeness that happened just before she took it. I woke up from a nap and went into her office because she'd been in there doing stuff that probably wasn't work, but she wasn't there. So I figured I'd just jump in her chair and wait for her...and doods, when I got up there, I realized she'd been expecting me and left a bowl on her desk that had SIX Cheetos in it.

SIX!

FOR ME!

That was very considerate, and who am I to turn down a heartfelt offer of cheesy goodness? I licked all the cheesy off of them, and right about the time she came back in, I was done. She even asked me very nicely if I'd enjoyed them--I said yes I did, thank you--and then she said she would like to sit down, so would I please get out of her chair?

All right, it was, "You can get your ass out of my chair now," but I know what she meant.

Then she asked me if I'd enjoyed them, and as I thanked her again she snapped the picture with her phone.

Once in a while, a person just gets it right.

2012-02-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

(Don't ask whose blood I used to make the heart. That'd be telling...)

2012-02-11T20:56:00.000-08:00

This is totally something the people would do to me...

The Woman saw this online and snickered a little and then I saw it and thought OH NO, because there's a door between the clothes cleaning machines--WHERE MY LITTERBOX IS--and the hallway, and it has one of those little cutouts. The door is always open because I hate that thing, but if the door was ever closed, that's the only way in. I'd have to go poop on a pillow.

Oh. Maybe not so bad.

OH! Buddah would totally go through it! Hahahahahahahaha now I WANT them to do it! How the heck can I get them to do this? It would be AWESOME!

Man, I need thumbs...

2012-02-08T22:48:00.000-08:00

OK, doods. We all know by now what a PTU is and we know that when it comes out that we should probably hide, lest the stabby things happen, but our people are getting sneaky and I thought you should be aware of their latest trick.

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!

I don't know who this poor guy is, but I think he fell for it and went inside that PTU and then wound up at the stabby place getting all poke and prodded and stabbed and probably had bloods and pee stolen from him.

If you see a sign like this on a PTU, run. Run as fast as you can and get into your best hidy place. THERE IS NO TOONA!!! There is only pain and despair. There is only wrongness and meanness. No matter how exciting it looks and you'll surely get that, "well maybe it's true!" though creeping into your head, but take it from me...no toona will be found, and if there is, it's still TRICK TOONA and you'll wind up regretting it.

I aim to serve, here, doods.

Oh, and someone reminded me tonight...every year the Younger Human dresses up all funny and then goes to San Francisco and jumps into freezing cold water at great risk to his fun parts, and he does it all to raise money for the Special Olympics.

The Special Olympics is very important because it gives opportunity for lots of differently-abled people to do sports things, and they're a lot nicer than other sports people who get all "IN YOUR FACE!" when they win.

So if you like the Special Olympics, or just like me (and what's not to like) you can donate a few bucks to him by clicking HERE.

I thank you, he thanks you, the Man and the Woman thank you, and Buddah would, too, but he's up on top of the fridge trying to get into the pantry so that he can knock the Pop Tarts onto the floor so he's kinda busy right now.

2012-02-03T23:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the Woman has been hogging the computer lately, sitting here tap-tap-tapping away at the keys likes she actually has anything worth saying, and when she isn't tapping she's staring at the monitor and every once in a while she says something profound like, "Huh," or "Hmm," but I don't think she's been actually working on anything that's going to bring in some dollars to buy me some real live fresh dead shrimp or a new bag of crunchy Temptations.

I thought I was going to get a shot at the computer earlier today, but doods, she closed the freaking lid and then went outside to practice walking again. COME ON. We're now into year two of all this practicing of putting one foot in front of the other and not falling on her asterisk. If she doesn't have it all figured out by now, I'm pretty sure she's not going to.

At least leave the computer on for me, sheesh.

But, I admit, I considered that she might be doing something important, like maybe filling up all the massive empty places inside her head, but doods I checked her browser history because in the filling up of her head in order to displace all the hot air, I heard her laugh, and laughing is not learning. And I found this:

She thinks this is funny! That poor kitty probably lost at least PART of one of his lives he was so scared.

She's just...wrong.

2012-02-02T20:18:00.000-08:00

Dood, just....dood...

2012-01-30T12:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, now the Man is going too far. He's attacking me with THINGS now and not just his hand...

I help my ground though. And next time, I bite harder...

2012-01-29T23:03:00.000-08:00

Doods, tonight there was steak! Real live fresh dead cow! I kinda hoped for it because the Younger Human came over and when he comes over there's usually something good, but I started to worry when he and the People got up and left the house. I know I can't count on the Man or the Woman for tasty treats, and what if he didn't come back with them?

But an hour or so later they came back, and there was steak! The Woman cut it up and out it on my plate, but I saw the box it was in, and the Younger Human was the one who brought the box in, so I know wo it was really from. He also had a giant steak bone in that box--I could totally smell it--but that was for That Damned Dog Butters, which is fine. A dog needs a good bone to gnaw on once in a while and I'm not terribly fond of things I can't easily chew and swallow.

Or just swallow. Sometimes I don't bother chewing.

But doods, as wonderful as getting the steak was, today is a sad day. Today a really good man, Jeter's best human friend in the whole world, Sarge Charlie, lost his fight with cancer. Sarge was a tough guy and fought really hard, but the thing is he was as upstanding as he was tough, so losing him is like punching a giant hole in the world's spotlight. We're all a little dimmer for it.

I lurked on Sarge's blog and I wish I had commented more, but it was fun to just read him. I am very grateful that Jeter pointed us all to him, just to have known that he existed.

I know Jeter is really hurting, and so is his mom, because they truly loved Sarge. And Empress Bee, his wife and soulmate, is hurting the most. She's really sweet and I lurk on her blog, and so should you, too.

Sarge, I salute you. I wish I had known you better, but mostly I'm am just happy I got to even know about you.

2012-01-25T20:22:00.000-08:00

All that noisy stuff the Woman needed to do in the front room...I should have known it was going to inconvenience me. Doods, everything got taken out of that room and jammed into the library, which made getting to the comfy loveseat to look out the window impossible, and the floor got covered with plastic which was horrible to walk on.

If that weren't bad enough, she started smearing this stuff on the walls and turned everything from a pleasant brown to this bright, eye-stabbing yellow, and she's so freaking proud of herself she keeps saying, "It's so much brighter in here!" Like that's a GOOD thing. I was quite happy with the brown walls and the dim light and having the dammit machines right there where they mocked the people every time they went past.

Evidently the mocking got to be too much. One of the dammit machines got dragged out the front door and I'm not so sure the Man didn't shoot it and kill it out there, because it never came back. The other dammit machines are now in the library, and the now-yellow room has, like, REAL furniture in it.

But the bonus, what makes it all not quite so horrible, is that they put one of the climbing towers in the library, and next to it is a bookcase that we can jump on and doods, we can see EVERYTHING out the window now! Not just the stupid bushes. AND we can jump from there onto the other bookcases. It's almost like they did it on purpose so that we could have some fun, but I'm pretty sure their brains don't work like that.

They haven't moved everything back into place so there are no pictures, but as soon as I can I'll totally show you how awesome it is.

In the meantime, doods, we have something serious we need to worry about. Look.

The birds are arming themselves and fighting back. This could be really bad news for our outside friends. We need to figure out what to do, because of we don't stop them, the birds will win and WE CANNOT LET THE BIRDS WIN!!!

2012-01-20T12:56:00.000-08:00

Man...the Woman told me I need to stay in the back of the house and snooze on the climbing tower in the office, or on the big bed with Buddah, but she would appreciate it if I didn't come out to the living room. I was all Hey, I live here, I'll do what I want! but then she showed me this picture.

I dunno who he is, but she says he's been there by the front door for a long time, trying to stay out of the rain, and if I go out there I'll look out the long window by the door, and I'll get all excited and start banging on the glass, and that will scare him. If I scare him, he'll run, and it's raining pretty hard.

Ok, fine, I think he's probably tougher than that, but I didn't want to go out there anyway.

What's funny is that she needs to do noisy stuff in the front room, but since it is raining, she's going to do it later. That's her excuse, anyway. I think she's just lazy.

2012-01-16T23:38:00.000-08:00

Kill it kill it kill it killitkillitkillitkillit!

I hope he gets it...

2012-01-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

Buddah likes high places; I like them, too, but I'm fine if I'm up on top of the office closets, or stretched out on the floor. I like my mancat cave in the big closet, I like my cubby by the fireplace thingy, I like sleeping on the sofa, and I like being on the big bed that I allow the Woman to use at night.

Buddah is okay with sleeping on the big bed and stuff, but he loves being up high. And there are lots of high spots for him around here, like on top of the kitchen cupboards--the people don't keep anything up there just so he can be up there--and he likes to sit on the fake fireplace thingy in the other room.

He's on that thing a lot, and sometimes when a people walks by him they try to pet him, but he sometimes takes a swipe at them with claws out. If he's on the short tree by the front window and a people tries to pet him, same thing. Sometimes he lets them, but a lot of the time he doesn't.

A few weeks ago he was on the counter and the Woman picked him up to give him some cuddles and doods, he went apeshit crazy on her, bit her arm so hard that it drew blood (and she still has the marks) and he wailed at her. Even after she put him down, he was all flat eared and hissy.

He gets that way sometimes. He's also afraid of feet with new shoes on them, and has been known to just outright go after legs that are passing him in the hall. If he didn't use claws and teeth, the people wouldn't mind, but that whole bleeding thing gets to them.

For Christmas Santa brought us this new tree. It's taller than the one in the front room, but not as tall as the one in the office. It was supposed to replace the one in the front room, but Buddah seemed to like the spot where Santa put it, so it's stayed there. He hangs out on it a lot, so much that I've kind of given up the idea that it's ours; it's his. I only get on it to annoy him.

But the Woman noticed something. When Buddah is on top of it, he's pretty much at her eye level...and she can pet him without him getting all freaked out. If he's on the counter and she tries to touch him and he's not down for that, he can turn around and jump on it. She can even reach across the counter to give him some crunchy treats.

He's even been getting in her lap more. He's had this whole Commado Cuddle thing going on since he was a kitten, where he would run up, get held and petted for like 30 seconds, then he'd run off, but he's been plopping down on her (which makes using the laptop fun cause it seems like he always does it when she's using it) and getting skritches for a long time. Sometimes he even snoozes.

She figured out from watching My Cat From Hell last year that Buddah is a tree kitty. You know, some kitties are "bush" kitties, some are tree kitties. He's definitely a tree kitty. When she watched it last week she finally got it into her head that he feels safe when he's up high, and when he's at eye level and she tries to pet, he doesn't feel threatened.

He was a shelter kitty; during that whole time when he was supposed to learn how not to scratch and bite hard he probably wasn't with his mom-cat, and he was probably scrambling to get to the food bowl to get enough to eat (for a long, long time he looked over his shoulder when he was eating, like he was afraid I was going to take his food away...and I would have, so he eats on the counter while I eat on the floor...) and he might have missed some of the key socialization lessons.

So the tree Santa brought is definitely going to stay where it is, and pretty soon there will be more painting going on here, and when that's done stuff will be moved around, and part of the end result will be more high places for Buddah, and hopefully with better flow so he can get all the way around the front room while being up high.

No one expects him to stop being so bitey once in a while--heck, I bite, but I know how to not sink my teeth in, I do a I-could-if-I-wanted bite--but if more high places will make him happy, then they'll give him a few more high places.

I'm all for it if it means he'll leave me alone more. Plus, I wouldn't mind a few more high spots. Hopefully he'll share...

2012-01-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

What am I looking at? I'm looking at a plate. A plate that had pizza on it. Cheese pizza. Warm, happy cheese pizza.

What am I looking at now? I'm looking at the Woman. She has the plate that has the pizza. I am using my brainwaves to tell her GIVE ME THE PIZZA.

And ya know what? It worked! She left some cheese and a little bit of crust on the plate and put it on the floor and told me to go for it.

So I did.

And it was good.

2012-01-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

Doods.

A lot of our people walk for boobies...but Boobie Season hasn't started yet, and some of them aren't even training for it yet. Because they're lazy and chit like that.

But Mom Amanda from PB&J is RUNNING for Leukemia & Lymphoma in like 18 or 19 days, and needs ours support. This thing means a lot to the Woman because her mom had lymphoma and beat that sucker down, but it takes money to fight it.

One of the things about events like this is that there's a minimum, dollar amount the people doing it have to raise...if they're like a dollar short, they've done all that training and don't get to play. There are lots of reasons for it, but it kinda sucks.

Now, I know how much the Woman whines about walking, so I can imagine how much whining there is about running. And doods, I am all for the self-torture of people, so we have to make this happen. $700 more bucks and she has to run! That's it, Just $700 to torture her for an entire half marathon!

Better yet, if she gets $3720 more, she'll run in a full Tinkerbell costume.

DOODS!

This MUST happen!

First, though, let's get her to her minimum. Because there's nothing that says Happy New Year like making a person sweat, cry and RUN...

Donate!

2012-01-07T21:24:00.000-08:00

It wasn't really cold today, but after dinner we kind of wanted some extra warms, so I started asking the Woman to turn the fireplace thingy on.

She kept telling me I'd already eaten. Duh. I knew that. If she would just listen, she'd know what I want. I kept asking, but after a few minutes I knew she was ignoring me, and I was pretty sure we weren't getting the fire tonight.

But then Buddah jumped into her lap--even though she had the laptop there, and shoved his head under her hand and then she was all "Oh you poor thing, your ears are cold!"

So she turned the fire on.

Ok, I don't know why this picture is upside down, but I can't get it to flip, so just stand on your head to view.

I actually got to plop down in front if it first, and when I was done Buddah stretched out to soak up some warms. Now we're both done but she hasn't gotten up to turn it off yet, which just makes me think that deep down she was cold, too, and just made us beg for the hell of it.

You see that white plastic thingy on the floor?

That's where the red dot lives. Sometimes it comes out and tuns around the room, but for the most part I ignore it. I mean, I've seen it a billion times and it's never eaten anyone or even bit anyone, so I figure it's fine to just let it play a bit. But Buddah wants to get it...and he figured out that it might be better to let it run around, but try to kill the thing it lives in.

There's this little round hole that the red dot jumps out of, so Buddah has been going after that. It's been tough, because the hole tries to keep an eye on the red dot so it spins around and around, but Buddah doesn't give up. One of these days he's going to kill the thing the red dot lives in, and I suppose after that he can go after the red dot, too. He might as well, since it won't have a place to live.

2012-01-04T22:53:00.000-08:00

That thing I killed in the pictures I put up yesterday? It's a snake thingy that Santa brought, but I have it on good authority that he got it from Purrfect Play. So if you want to suck up to your people, maybe you can talk them into getting you one, because doods, it is AWESOME.

They also have funny looking mousies and other fun toys stuffed with killer catnip.

I'm gonna save some money and get me another one when this one is good and dead.

2012-01-03T21:35:00.000-08:00

This is NOT me playing.

Neither is this.

No, I was not playing. I was killing. And I killed the bejeezus out of that thing! But not enough to make it useless or anything, because I'm pretty sure I want to kill it again later.

2012-01-02T16:50:00.001-08:00

Bear with me, doods...we're playing with the template and it might change a bazillion times tonight...

2011-12-31T13:58:00.000-08:00

Dooods!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2011-12-26T00:02:00.000-08:00

Oh man, I knew Santa would come through! He got us a couple of really sweet things!

First..an awesome 'Nip stash. These things are PACKED with some really awesome nip. And the long ones are great for grabbing and bunny kicking while you put the bitey on it. The Woman thinks they'll last a long time, too, which is good since we kinda kill nip things all the time.

Then THIS!

He brought us a new tower! It's shorter than our other big one, but the thingies are big enough for us to curl up on, and a lot of towers have too-small thingies, so this really rocks. Buddah seems to really like it and has spent more time on it, but that's all right. I'll get around to it.

AND

So the PEOPLE didn't out anything under the tree for us, but our friend Kris, with her kids Kasia and Bug, and her man-thingy Tim, THEY got us a BUNCH of toys!

That calendar thingie has a toy in EVERY SINGLE POCKET! Doods, we've got enough toys to last All.Freaking.Year.

And the topper?

The People didn't forget about us, after all. Tonight I was in the kitchen while the Woman was getting a bubbly drink and I peeked in the fridge, and doods, there's a big thing of REAL LIVE FRESH DEAD SHRIMP!

She saw me looking and she said, "Yep, Big Guy, that's for you. I'm sorry we forgot about it earlier, but we got caught up in things..."

And that was ok because the Younger Human was here so that was exciting. And the Woman doesn't like touching shrimpy things, so the Man will give me some for breakfast. So I have something more to look forward to!

I hope everyone else had as awesome a day as I did. It wasn't even really about the stuff...I just liked having ALL my people here (and I even growled at the Younger Human once, but to be fair he WAS trying to touch my tummy....) And just think, the new year is almost here and we get to party it in!

2011-12-23T23:16:00.000-08:00

2011-12-22T10:57:00.000-08:00

After being told over and over that this year there would be no Christmas tree in the house because my People are FREAKS and put a sofa where the tree SHOULD go and there's Dammit Equipment in the other place where a tree could go, guess what the People did?

Yep, the put up a tree.

The only way this happened, as I understand it, is because the Woman looked at the family room and where my mancat lounge is, and thought that a small tree would fit right next to it, and still give me plenty of room to get to my personal space.

So they went to Walmart and found this skinny thing. It's really narrow and is only 6 feet tall, but hey, we have a tree, so I have no complaints.

Plus, there are TONS of plastic M&M ornaments on it, which means I can play with them as much as I want.

Now, you see all the stuff UNDER the tree?

What's a Christmas tree without presents? Very spiffy looking and all, but look at this:

It's a HUGE present.

And you know what name is on it?

BUTTERS! It's for that damned dog Butters!

You know how many presents have MY name on them?

NONE!

Yeah, I know I was all Oh I don't want anything because I want the money that they would have spent on me to go to shelter kitties, and that's still true, but COME ON. This is an insult!

What the heck could a DOG need that would fit in a bag that big?

Man, I hope Santa comes through for me, and makes whatever that damned dog Butters got look like carp.

Yeah, yeah, yea, tis the season and kiss my asterisk. I cant be outgifted by a DOG!!!

2011-12-20T16:19:00.000-08:00

All right. So the People didn't forget about me while they were cavorting around Disneyland like a couple of 14 year olds. However, I should have been more specific. When I asked them to bring me home That Mouse, this was not what I had in mind:

Seriously?
I can't eat that!

And look...it has a metal loop in its head! If I eat that, I'll get a tummy ache! And the whole thing...it just tastes all plasticky.

People, I am disappoint.

In other news, Buddah doesn't fit in that box with his name on it. Oh, he can sit, but he can't curl up in it, which is what he wants to do. So overall, it's kind of funny now, watching him try to puzzle it out.

At least somethin around here amuses me right now.

2011-12-19T21:19:00.000-08:00

Look at this.

LOOK AT THIS!

The People went to Disneyland and brought back all kids of bags, bags that I tried to dig through to see if they got me a present, bags they said to get out of, they'd give me my thing sooner or later. So I left the bags alone and have been waiting PATIENTLY, but what does the Man do?

He gives Buddah a new box.

A box with his name on it!

Where's my freaking box? I was GOOD while they were gone, you'd think I'd get something out of it.

I really think I liked it better when the Younger Human was here feeding us and taking care of things. I be HE would have given me a box, too.

2011-12-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

The Younger Human has been taking care of us, and you know what that meant?

STEAK!!!

I'm not so sure the People need to come home...

2011-12-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

This is my Younger Human:

I think he was having a hard day when this picture was taken. Probably girl trouble or something like that.

But, I digress.

He came over tonight, and doods, he has it right. There was pizza, and you know what?

I didn't even have to ask! He left some cheese and pizza sauce and grease on his plate, and then put it on the floor for me!

The People? They always make me ask! They have really good stuff for their dinners and won't give me any unless I'm both good AND say please, but him? He just gave it to me!

Clearly, this called for some concession on my part.

So I let him pick me up.

And left him hold me.

For, like TEN seconds!

It was totally worth it.

2011-12-08T20:24:00.000-08:00

Do I look annoyed? Do I?

I should.

Tonight I was lounging on the foot stool, waiting patiently for the clock to say It's Time To Feed Max, and you know what the Woman did? Do you?

She didn't look and tried to put her feet on the foot stool and CLONKED ME IN THE HEAD!

AND

She nudged me in the side with her giant other foot!

You'd think that would be enough to make her feel bad enough to get up and feed me early, but no. I was all ouchy and she was just, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were there."

Well, for one, LOOK and for two, FEED ME EARLY.

2011-12-04T21:59:00.000-08:00

Once in a while, Buddah has a good idea. And by good idea I mean sometimes he makes a worthy attempt to frustrate and annoy the People.

This was him yesterday morning:

He was fast about it, too. The Woman got out a box of cereal and while she was putting some in a bowl he jumped onto the counter, then onto the fridge, and crawled in there before she could stop him.

She turned around and asked him what he thought he was doing, but all he did to answer was to get deeper into the pantry, where there was no way she could reach him without getting something to stand on. I could see the Hehehehehe in his eyes, knowing what a pain it was going to be, because the standing-on-thingy is in the back of the house right now, in her office where she took it when she thought I needed help getting off the closet.

It was a worthy attempt on his part, but all the Woman did was take her bowl to the table to eat her cereal and look at the paper. He stayed in there, thinking when she was done eating she would get him out, but she didn't. She took a picture of him (I think to show Santa how rotten he is) and then she went into the room with the fireplace thingy and sat down, telling him that it was probably pointless to ask him to close the pantry door when he was done in there.

Man, was he disappointed. It was no fun anymore, so he got out and sat on the fridge, and tried to vent a few complaints about how not fun she was, but she just looked over her shoulder and said, "I see, you're out. Good boy. I'll close it in a minute."

I don't know what I liked more, that he thought of it and tried to tick her off, or that it backfired and she disappointed him by not caring that he was in the place where the crappy breakfast food lives.

Oh, and I want a taste of one of those PopTart thingies. She says I can't have any because it's not for kitties, and barely even for people. But still...I want to at least taste it.

One bite won't hurt.

Well, unless it's her I bite because she won't let me try it...

2011-12-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

Hey, look what the People got me.

A new chair!

It better not be a Christmas present...

2011-11-28T23:39:00.000-08:00

KIMO IS HOME!!!

DOODS!!!

KIMO IS HOME!!!

Everybody dance now!

2011-11-26T10:25:00.001-08:00

I dunno what the big deal is...

The people always whine about how hard getting on the treadmill is and how much they sweat and why does it have to hurt so much? Well, I was on it for like an hour and it wasn't hard at all. Actually, it was kind of comfy. I may go back and get on it again, so that I'll be all buff by Christmas...

2011-11-25T11:30:00.001-08:00

Ok, it's National Christmas Shopping Day (seriously, people, look at that picture...WTF is wrong with you???) but is the Woman getting up and going out to go buy stuff for me? NO. She's just sitting here playing on Facebook and Jigzone while HGTV drones on in the background. I don't even want her to go out and buy me presents, just STUFF. You know, APPRECIATE MAX toys. I need a new nip banana. She could at least go get me one while it might be on sale.

Not for Christmas. For now. I need it NOW. I don't want anything from the Man and the Woman for Christmas again; like last year I think the money they would spend on toys for me would be better spent on food and stuff for the shelter kitties. And I saved up all my royalties from The Rules so that I could kick in some money, too, and it looks like we'll be able to load the back of the peoples' HHR with stuff. But I think the Woman is going to check to see what they need the most before she goes shopping for that stuff. They might need money more than anything, so if that's the case then the people can buy some toys and stuff and I'll just write 'em a check.

I like getting new stuff, really I do, but I don't need anything more than a new nip banana. And all I really want, I want it RIGHT NOW. I want Kimo to find his way back home and I want my friends' peoples who need jobs to get them today. That's it.

Oh, and the People went to Denny's for Thanksgiving but NO they did NOT bring me any turkey. Denny must be getting cheap with his servings or something, or maybe he really doesn't like me anymore. But the Man gave me some real live fresh dead shrimps, and then later the Woman opened TWO cans of turkey stinky goodness, on just turkey and the other was turkey and rice, so we got to eat a lot even without Denny's help. And after we ate, we took naps near the fireplace thingy.

I'm pretty sure there's more shrimps in the fridge, too, so I have high hopes that I'll get some more today.

And pie. I would like to sample the pie.

2011-11-23T19:17:00.000-08:00

This kitty is happy because there's turkey!

Happy Thanksgiving doods...I hope you get a ton of real live fresh dead turkey and some crunchy treats. Me, I'm getting some real live fresh dead shrimp! Or I better, cause I saw the Woman stick some in the fridge...

And just for a few more laughs, a few more funny thingies...

Go stuff yourselves and then take 22 naps!

2011-11-21T22:22:00.000-08:00

Man, the days just aren't getting any better, doods. Kimo still isn't home, and to top things off, Herman's little sister, Emma, went to the Bridge. She was a real sweetie and I am really glad that she had a nice Forever Home with Herman and Karen Jo, but I know they're gonna miss her tons.

But, I needed something to make me snicker a little, and I wanted to share it with you guys.

Well...*I* thought it was funny...!

2011-11-18T11:31:00.000-08:00

Man...this is turning out to be a sucky Friday. Kimo is still not home, so his people need lots of Mojo and concentrated GET YOUR BUTT HOME KIMO vibes.

And Ginger's sister Quest went to the Bridge today.

She'd had a rough last few months and she's got ShyGurl waiting for her at the Bridge, along with all our other friends who are already there, but still...

I has a sad today...

2011-11-15T12:07:00.000-08:00

All right, doods, we need to harness the power of the CB. Our bud Kimo got out and has been gone all night long, and his people are super worried, and I'm feeling all OH NO with tummy flutters. So start up your Mojo engines and start willing him to get home NOW, and get home safe.

Kimo, dood...call the adventure done, ok? Your people are scared, and so are your friends...

2011-11-11T12:58:00.000-08:00

Doods, I know I am a lucky kitty. I live in a country where men and women volunteer to protect our freedoms, where they--to quote a meme going around--write a blank check to Uncle Sam, and cashing it in means losing their lives, all so the rest of us are protected and free.

You know, there are some places where I wouldn't have much of a chance at a forever home where I get cans of stinky goodness twice a day and crunchy food and treats more often than I should. Where there's a fireplace thingy turned on pretty much any time the people even think I'm cold. Where staying inside all day and sleeping is my right as a cat.

I know I could be living somewhere that I might be dinner for someone else. Or stuck outside in the cold. Or hunting bugs and stuff to feed myself.

Because I was born in the USA, I enjoy the kind of life I have because of men and women who have been willing to offer up the blank check of their lives.

I don't take this lightly, you know.

The Man is a veteran. He didn't go off and fight in a war, but he served in the US Air Force for 20 years and was there in case other men and women needed to be patched up. He could have gone into a war zone, and he accepted it as part of the deal he signed up for.

The Man's Dad served for 20 years, and he did serve during a war. He went to Vietnam. It wasn't easy, that's for sure.

The Woman's Dad was in the Navy during TWO wars. Can you imagine twice? He didn't stay in long enough to retire, but he he stayed as long as he was needed.

I don't know where I would be without them.

I don't know where any of us would be without people like them. So if you know a veteran, today you need to suck it up and give them head butts and purrs, and if you can figure out how, pop off a salute. Because without them?

Doods, without them, you might be what's IN the can of stinky goodness instead of what's nomming it...

2011-11-10T18:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Cynthia Markey, please stop using my email address to sign up for crap at political websites. I don't want to know anything about Al Franken or Minnesota farm politics. I realize this was all likely just from a typo--hell, the Woman has like 5 people using her email address because they can't seem to remember their email address isn't exactly what they wanted it to be--but I'm begging you to think before you sign up for stuff.

My poor email has taken too much abuse lately. It wants to stop bending over and taking it, because the e-lube has worn off.

Thank you,
Max

2011-11-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

Man, some people are sucky. If you tried to come to my blog this morning, you probably got a "This blog does not exist" message...because Google suspended my account. I couldn't get into the blog or my email or Google Reader, and it was all because someone from Poland used my email to mass spam the world.

Luckily, it was easy to fix because they could tell it was hacked and not that I was a spam blog, but still... my email is cluttered with bounced spam attempts and I have to pick through and weed out the crap from the real mail. So if you emailed me lately, I haven't gotten it and might not, because that box is freaking full.

I would have gotten the email sorted out earlier, but the people had to go to some stabby guy who looks deep into their eyes and says, "Holy frak, you're old. You need special glasses!" and then he does stabby stuff and makes their eyes all wonky, so the Woman couldn't see to help me.

Oh, and I don't think I'm gonna get enough access to the computer to do NaNoWriMo. The Woman had an idea for something else, and since I didn't have an idea and couldn't really figure out how to stretch anyone else's to book length, I have to wait. But her book might be good, so it's not a total loss.

2011-11-05T15:30:00.001-07:00

Doods. DOODS!

I totally want to write a book for NaNoWriMo this year, but the Woman is not cooperating!

She says she would let me BUT I apparently have to have an IDEA before I can hog the computer for hours every day.

She'll shove her own work aside if I can come up with something really really really fast.

So help me out.

What should the next Psychokitty book be about?

And this is a serious inquiry, so no junk answers, ok? Normally I like funny junk answers but I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!

2011-11-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dona Nobis Pacem...

2011-11-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

Here's a far less upsetting GIF to make up for the brat below...

DON'T TAKE HIS TEDDY!!!

2011-10-31T19:28:00.001-07:00

OMG THE PEOPLE WENT OUT AND THEY WENT TO DENNY'S
AND THEY GOT TO MEET DIVA KITTY AND THE FLUFFIES
AND THEY DIDN'T TAKE ME!!!

I coulda met Sophia!
I BEEN ROBBED!

Plus, Denny didn't send ANYTHING home for me.

Tonight sucks.

2011-10-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

WARNING!
This is very very disturbing.
Right up to almost the end.

That oughta teach the little chit to hit...

2011-10-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

I dunno what I was expecting when the Woman came back from walking for boobies, but this limping lump of do-nothing wasn't it. Doods, she's, like, just THERE and not doing anything.

Well, she's barking. Seriously. She sits there and barks.

I'm not sure, but I think she might have licked a dog while she was walking and caught dog-cooties. This is making it very difficult for me to want to sit on her and purr, just in case her brains have turned into woofie-mush and she tries to lick me and pass the cooties along. I'll risk a few people cooties, but I have my limits.

Maybe Buddah will risk it. I think he's part woofie, anyway.

He owes her, too. She was sitting here minding her own business, and he head-butted her ouchie foot, right where it hurts the most.

It must have been one hell of an Ouch Moment, because she went to her stabby guy and he's sending her to see a stabby guy who does nothing but look at feet all day. She's not happy, but that's what she gets for not practicing her walking enough. Clearly, she needed more...

2011-10-26T07:31:00.001-07:00

It's my blogoversary! Eight years! w00t!!1!

And for for my blogoversary, I think I'm gonna admit I missed the Woman when she was off walking for the boobies in Atlanta.

But only a little bit.

And I might have wandered around the house, meowing as I looked for her. But only because I knew the Man would tell her and she would get warm fuzzies thinking she's important or something. It's important to make a person feel needed every now and then. That makes them give you extra crunchies when they get home.

But doods!

EIGHT YEARS!!!

2011-10-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

It's 'TOCKTOBER! Happy birthday, Derby!

This is the closest thing to a 'tock shot I could find...but hey, it's a 2-fer!

2011-10-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

Holy carp doods. You know the Woman has brown hair, right? Well, brown with a whole lotta gray in it. I think something scared the holy carpola out of her the other day, because I went to take a nap and when I woke up, her hair was damn near white.

A really good fright is about all I have to explain that. But don't ask me how THIS can happen:

'Cause I really don't know...

Tomorrow at Ohmygawd O'clock she and Diva Kitty's Mom are getting on a plane and going to Atlanta to meet up with Jeter's Mom and a buncha other people for another boobie walk. But it's ok, because the Man is staying home to open cans for us, and in the end, that's the important thing.

Well, ok, 2nd most important thing.

I hope she doesn't blow chunk on DKM. The Woman doesn't like flying...but she REALLY doesn't like being awake at Ohmygawd O'clock...

2011-10-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

See? See the things I have to put up with?

=sigh=

2011-10-14T21:04:00.001-07:00

AAaahhhahahahahahahaha...I usually sing at 3:15 in the morning which the Woman really loves, but last night she asked me very nicely to not sing so that she could sleep through the whole night, and being the considerate cat that I am, I obliged.

I mean, I can contain the music for one night.

But right about the time I usually start singing, Buddah decided to play a solo game of Thundering Herd of Elephants, and after running up and down the hall a few times he sprinted into the bedroom, leaped up on the bed, and head-butted her smack in the face really hard, then turned around and bolted back out.

She was all WTF just happened? and I think she would have been happier if I had sung her awake.

I admit, Buddah scored a few cool points.

Just a few.

2011-10-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

Ha. The Woman woke up a little after 4 this morning thinking we were having an earthquake, and she was all ready to bolt out of the bed and go hide like the inner 5 year old she can be sometimes, when she realized it was just me, taking a bath while on her bed, pretty close to her pillow.

She seemed annoyed, but what was I supposed to do? Not bathe?

I'm not Buddah.

Now she's blaming me because she couldn't get back to sleep, but hey, I'm not the one who over reacted in the first place, right?

Besides, if it hadn't been so freaking cold in the house I might have been lounging somewhere else instead of trying to steal her warms while she slept.

So it's her fault for not turning the warm air blowing thingy up higher.

I'm totally innocent.

2011-10-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, that kitty is never gonna land. So i changed the channel, and doods...make sure your people see this and understand that this is a lesson to them. If you tick the kitty off, the kitty WILL GET REVENGE!

No peoples were really really really hurt in the making of this GIF. I don't think...

2011-10-03T19:51:00.001-07:00

Doods, I've been watching this for like eleventy hours, and this poor guy still hasn't landed.

I'm chewing my paws down to numbs waiting to see if he lands on his feet...

2011-10-02T00:22:00.000-07:00

Not to equate him to a human, but what took my dog, Hank, in the end, was cancer. Or they think it was; because of his age and overall health it was kinder to not cut him open and peek, but the stabby person felt a huge mass on his spleen. So he wound up having to go to the Bridge before we were ready for it.

The Woman's Dad had kidney cancer; he lost one of his kidneys to it, but it didn't kill him. he lived for a good ten years after.

The Woman's Mom had lymphoma. It didn't kill her, either. She was lucky, she got good treatment and beat that sucker down.

The Woman had a friend, Anne, who got breast cancer and beat it. But then it came back, and she couldn't kick its ass a second time. She and the Woman shared a birthday, even though it was a few years apart, but now every year on her birthday, the Woman thinks a lot about the friend she lost.

Edsel's mom had brain cancer, and we all know how that ended, and I'm still smarting over it.

Look at that shirt and all the names that are on it. They all had breast cancer. Some survived, some did not.

But it's too many names. After the Woman wrote all those names on the shirt, she had to sit back and take lots of deep breaths because it all just slapped her in the face.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Cancer is a bitch.

I can't go out and walk to raise money to fight cancer, but I can Livestrong today, and remember the people and friends (and Hank) who have had to fight for their lives because of it.

Today, yellow is the new pink.

2011-10-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

Dang...almost a whole week without posting... What I've been up to this week:

Singing. I've resumed my middle-of-the-night arias because I'm pretty sure the Woman missed them. In fact, I think my signing brings her close to having a religious experience, because more than once I've heard her say "Oh my God..."

Farting. Well, really only the one time was worth mentioning. The Woman had me trapped in the giant litterbox room with her while she was taking her drugs, and I let a good one rip. And doods, there were only the two of us in there and she still asked, "Was that you?"

Chasing Buddah. I've decided that since he doesn't want to play with me--which I used to enjoy--that I'm going to force him into it. So when he least expects it, I start chasing him. But when one of the People notices, I do a fast turn and make it look like he started it, so he gets in trouble. That's the best part, when he gets told to leave me alone.

Eating. Well, yeah. Why not?

Looking out the front door when it's open. The weather has cooled a few times, and on those days the people open the door. But man, there is nothing worth seeing out there. The house is set back just far enough that we can't really see what's going on. And that sucks.

It's been a pretty full week. And now I need to take a nap, because that 3:15 a.m. concert isn't gonna sing itself.

2011-09-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

All right, I was nice and I shared some of the food with Buddah. Well, it's not like I had any real choice; the Woman decided to split a can of beef with gravy between us as a surprise snack yesterday because we've been so helpful in nursing her back to health after she went and ate some death food the other night.

Later on, for dinner, we split another can, this time of some chickeny goodness.

And doods, this stuff is AWESOME. It's Purina One Smart Blend stinky goodness, and so far I am really digging it (and no I am not being paid to say so, I just think you guys should know when there's some premium noms out there to try...)

Buddah must have liked it too because he made some pretty disgusting sounds while he ate, and he licked the plate so hard the Woman thought he was going to push it off the counter onto the floor, where it would shatter into a million pieces like all her intentions of cleaning the kitchen.

If I had thumbs, I'd give this stuff two thumbs up.

2011-09-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

Doods! Look what my man Skeezix sent me!

Skeez had a giveaway on mousebreath! and I won! I WON FOOD!!!!

I really kind of want to eat it all tonight, but since I need to borrow the Woman's thumbs for that, I don't think it's gonna happen.

Oh, and the box was specifically addressed to me and it said NOT BUDDAH so that means I don't have to share.

Right?

2011-09-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

This is Buddah.

He's, what, six years old? Six and in all those years he has learned nothing from me.

Really.

Like yesterday? Well, the litterbox had not been scooped in a timely enough manner for either of us. Granted, I'm a little particular and would prefer it if the people hired someone to come in and stand there and scoop after both of us every time we use the box, but I'll settle for frequent scooping and
cleaning.

Buddah usually doesn't care. The box can be loaded and he hops right in. But yesterday even he didn't want to get in it, so he pooped on the floor right in front of it.

Now, this I can respect. It's the right thing to do: it sends a message and it means the people have some cleaning to do.

But doods...when you have to poop on the floor the right thing to do is to walk away quietly. Our box is in the laundry room, which is in between the hallway and the rumbly bike room. The people rarely turn the light on when they're passing through the laundry room to get out to the bikes. So if a guy has to resort to pooping on the floor... doods, you stay quiet and hope that a person walks in there and steps on it barefoot. You just do!

But Buddah?

Sheesh.

Last night he pooped on the floor, and what did he do?

He went and told the Woman! I mean, first he was a little confused about what to do. He jumped on the fake fireplace in the room with the dammit machines, and when she walked by he meowed at her really loud, it was almost like a wail; she just thought he wanted crunchy treats and told him no, he'd already had some. But then she headed for the giant litter box room to take care of her own business, and he followed her, practically hollering at her, all listen to me, listen to me!

Well, she got part of the message. She guessed that he wanted the box cleaned. So she asked the Man if he would carry the box outside and dump the whole thing so we could have a 100% clean box.

And that's when they discovered Buddah was trying to tell them he'd pooped on the floor.

No, they didn't get mad or anything. The Man scooped it up and took the box out and dumped it all and then hosed it out. The Woman dried it and refilled it with fresh litter, so Buddah was happy. I was happy to have a clean box, too, but dangit.

Buddah had a prime opportunity to get a person to step onto a nice fresh pile o'poop, and he went and actually told her he'd done it.

I think I need to just give up on him.

He's never going to learn.

2011-09-19T15:58:00.000-07:00

Arrrr, doods, you would not believe how good this places smells today! T' people be makin' a real live fresh went t' Davy Jones' locker TURKEY in t' oh-man-this-takes-forever cookin' thin'y. All day long I've had t' smell it cookin' and I'm startin' t' drool, but tonight THERE WILL BE TURKEY!!!

No one tell Buddah! He's been sleepin' in t' aft o' t' house all day and I don't think he has a clue. It's gonna be all mine!

(Like me stlyish red eayeatch? I didn't think black would show on me beautiful black fur very well...)

2011-09-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

Dooods...last night the Woman got herself a piece of cake, because she's trying to lose weight and OBVIOUSLY cake is the answer (fark yeah I'm rolling my eyes) and I wanted some but I knew if I asked I wouldn't get any. So. Doods. I did the whole dart-and-wind-between-their-feet move and it worked!

She tried so hard to not trip that the plate tipped forward and the cake plopped off the plate and onto the floor icing side down. I looked up to make sure that she wasn't going to snap a foot into my head, but she wasn't even mad; she just said "ONE BITE" and I grabbed myself a giant bite while she got paper towels to clean it up.

That in itself would have been good enough, but tonight the People had real live fresh dead chicken for dinner, and I didn't have to do ANYTHING to get some. The Woman just cut some up for me and put it on my plate!

Better yet, BUDDAH didn't get any because he was in the other room sitting on one of the dammit machines and never came in to see what the food being cooked was.

He's gotta learn...if a people is in the kitchen, you have to go see, because it might be something good and you might get a bite, either by their choice or your will.

2011-09-14T19:30:00.001-07:00

Look. The People went to this new place where she can practice her walking a little bit more, and look what they found.

NO. They did NOT bring one home for me.

Man, I bet they're tasty.

Probably don't taste like chicken, but that's okay. I could get used to nomming on Donald or Daffy Duck...

2011-09-12T15:45:00.000-07:00

OK, so the Woman probably needs a little more practice walking.

Either that or she needs to stop licking random krap in public, because she managed to pick up some kinda cootie.

Most of you guys probably already know that she didn't finish the Big Walk this last weekend because of some kinda cooties that made her queasy and headachey and then barfy. She's still kinda blah but she's starting to feel a little better, and is already making noises about getting back outside to practice walking some more, and then going to Hotlanta with DKM to walk with Jeter's mom and a buncha other people.

Anyway, the 20 miles she did walk she said was kinda hard but also lots of fun because she got to walk with DKM's cousin Joette and she likes Joette a lot and covets her walking sticks. While she was walking, the Man was helping walkers with blisters, and I guess he did a lot of sucking crap out of some really nasty looking ones. He helped for 2 days but then he had to bring the Woman home so that she wouldn't give those cooties to other people.

On the first day, just before she started feeling really bad, he took this picture of her coming into camp. For 20 miles, she does look kinda happy.

Either that or the Man had a candy bar in his hand and she's all stick that thing in my mouth!

Yeah. Take that for whatever you want to...

2011-09-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

Hahahahaha Doods, you gotta go look...people have been captioning me!

CLICKY HERE

I'm pretty sure you guys can caption the picture, too...

The Woman is getting ready to shut down the computer and I don't think the Younger Human knows my passwords anyway, so I'm offline until next week.

NO ONE HAVE FUN WITHOUT ME!!!

2011-09-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

This is NOT what it looks like!

The Woman filled up the ginormous crunchy food bowls because she's just about done practicing her walking and she and the Man are going to go meet up with Diva Kitty's Mom and cousin in San Francisco where she'll walk for real. The Man is going to sit in a tent and wait for her to come limping in, crying because she sucks at walking so much. Oh, and while he sits and waits he'll help other walking people if they get hurt. I think he's going to rip their blisters open and suck the gunk out, or something like that.

And while he's sucking blister guts out, DKM is going to follow the Woman round in a van and point and laugh at her. But if the Woman does ok, DKM might give her a Diet Coke, and might not run her over with the van.

But that picture? We are totally not being nice to each other. We were just excited to see the ginormous food thingy after so long of not seeing it. And the Woman set it up to make sure we had enough food...but we both wanted to try it out and we both got there at the same time, so we took a few bites before I whacked Buddah upside the head.

Oh yeah, I did it.

The People leave for the Boob Walk day after tomorrow, but the Younger Human is going to come over and open cans of Stinky Goodness for us. He's gonna smell like That Damned Dog Butters, but still, I like him. He gives me a WHOLE can at once instead of making me share of with Buddah.

2011-09-05T12:55:00.001-07:00

These are the office closets. There are 3 of them, and they are very tall. Eight feet tall, I think.

They're a very good place for a kitty to spend a Labor Day...

Well, any day, really...

2011-09-03T21:33:00.001-07:00

Oh man oh man oh man oh man I walked into the kitchen tonight to see if there was any dry food in the dish, and right there on the floor was a crunchy treat bag!

Seriously!

Right there in the middle of the floor!

I did was any self respecting kitty would do; I crept up on it quietly to make sure that 1) it wouldn't get away and 2) that a people wouldn't hear me and take it away. I got right on it and doods, I worked that sucker! I had to get it between my paws just so and wiggle it until the top popped open, and then I had to make it stay open while I got a paw in there to scoop the guts out.

It was hard work.

And doods?

The freaking bag was empty!

All that hard work, and I barely got any crumbs to lick off my paw.

On the plus side, the Man did sneak up on me and watched me try to get the treats out, and I impressed him enough that he got into the treat drawer and got me some.

But man, a free range treat bag should NOT be empty!

2011-08-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

Doods! The people went to San Francisco so the Woman could practice walking next to water without falling in, and they saw this guy:

But did they think to bring him home for me?

NO!

I bet he would have tasted like chicken, too.

The Woman has a sunburn now, so at least I have that to amuse me...

2011-08-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

Damn, doods, I'm leaking like crazy here. Edsel the Pooch's mom, Sue, passed away on the 12th. She'd been trying to kick the snot out of brain cancer for a long time, and I think all along I just assumed she would do it. People get sick, people get better. And the people of the cool cats, well, they just have to get better.

Edsel started blogging about 6 years ago, and was one of the first, before the CB got to be so big... Man, I want to say more but things are kinda stuck.

If you never got to know him, go to his blog and start at the beginning, and you'll see what a cool guy he is. But doods...I gotta look over the 4th wall. Edsel was an amazing cat blogger because of his mom. She was something really special, and the CB is gonna be that much dimmer now.

It's hard enough when one of us takes our trip the the Bridge, expected or not, from old age or a sickness or an accident, but guys? We wouldn't be here getting to know each other without our people, so when they go it's like an extra kick in the nads. Edsel's mom was awesome, so it's a kick in the nads and someone pulling nose hairs, all at once.

Cancer is such a bitch.

2011-08-25T15:12:00.001-07:00

Doods.

Tomorrow the Woman turns Official Old. She's not happy about being old but she's kinda happy about not being dead, so there's not a lot of whining about it.

But the better thing about her being Officially Old is that some peoples who donated to her Walk thingy are finally going to win prizes!

There's still time. Go to ROCK THE PINK and click on the DONATE button near the top of the page, or if you don't want to see her crappy 1st greader web effort just go right to the donation page. Every $5 is a shot at a 64GB iPad, a 3G Kindle 3, or a 16 GB iPod Nano.

Your donations are TAX DEDUCTABLE! And because of your generosity, she's doing stuff like in the picture, walking around San Francisco dressed like the Pepto Bismol Fairy.

Dooods...she might even DYE HER HAIR HOT PINK.

All for the boobies.

2011-08-22T18:39:00.000-07:00

Edit:HE'S HOME. SO...nevermind... ;)

Dooods...our good buddy Beau Beau went outside and didn't come back inside and his people are freaking and I'm really really worried. So muster up some Mojo and purrs and send out the energy to get his furry little butt home where it belongs

Get your butt home, Beau Beau!

2011-08-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

Hey lady...look, if I'm licking your gross, sticky skin, it's not because I *LIKE* you. It's because after being outside all day practicing walking you need a bath. And since you obviously don't seem to be headed towards the rain box thingy, I have to do it for you.

Sometimes, I think you're worse than Buddah.

Srsly.

2011-08-16T22:06:00.001-07:00

Doods, in honor of the Great Kismet, today is Whisker Hump Wednesday. No one could rock the Whisper Hump like Kismet could--of course he invented the term--but from here on out, we're making Wednesdays a Kismet Kinda Day, and we'll do our best to rock the humps.

My humps, my humps, my manly manly Whisker Humps

Kismet, dood, you are gonna be missed like crazy in the CB.

Don't forget, in less than 10 days the Woman is gonna draw numbers for the winners of an iPad(64GB w/3G!), a Kindle (wi-fi AND 3G!), and an iPod Nano (16GB!) All you gotta do to have a chance at winning is donate to her Susan G Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure effort thingy by 8:59pm Pacific Time on August 26th (that's her FIFTIETH birthday!) Check out rock-the-pink for more details, or go right to her donor page. Every $5 is a chance to win!

2011-08-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

DO WANT

2011-08-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

Doods, look.

LOOK!

I found this on the People's camera.
They made this poor kitty take a bath!
And look at the size of the tub!

You can totally see it on her face:
Please let me out! Please!

People are so freaking mean sometimes...

2011-08-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

Doods! I got to go out again, this time to the Olive Garden! I ate with Diva Kitty's Mom and the Man and the Woman. And there were wine glasses on the table, but no one offered me any. And you know, I might wanted to have tried that.

As you can see, I had the spaghetti. The sauce was tasty what with all the real live fresh dead cow in it, but the noodles...eh.

You can see, too, my People are morons. Look at what The Man is doing to me! Like he couldn't be NICE in a picture. DKM took the picture, BTW. SHE is polite people to have dinner with. Not once did she do anything rude to me.

When we got home, there was something really cool. Look at Buddah's and my feets...

TREATS!

Kimo & Sabi's Mom sent goody bags with DKM for us! See how Buddah is sucking up to me? It's because 1) he didn't get to go anywhere, and 2) he wanted to be sure he got his.

That was wicked cool. Thanks Kimo & Sabi's Mom! And Thanks DKM for meeting us for dinner and bringing the goody bags!

I wonder where else I'll get to go...

2011-08-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

Doods! A buncha the cat peoples got together for lunch today, and guess what!

I was there!

Here I am with Kimo & Sabi's mom in a picture taken by DKM. She thinks I'm nuts but even she'll admit I was well behaved.

And the best part?

The Woman wasn't there! Doods! I was out partyin' with the cool kids and she was stuck at home!

I finally got to have fun and she didn't!

What an awesome, awesome day!

2011-08-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

Man, last night was a long one. Yesterday the Woman started feeling not-so-good and by bedtime she felt like krap, which meant I had to spend the night purring on top of her. I let her up once to pee, and while she was up she went into the kitchen to get something to drink, and I got kind of excited because she grabbed a can of stinky goodness...but, she wasn't going to feed me, she was just putting it on the table.

When she puts a can of stinky goodness on the table, that's to tell the Man that she's sleeping in and if he would be so kind, would he open it for Buddah and me? Only she's probably not thinking it as nicely. In her head it's more like, "Feed the damn cats, all right?"

So she went back to bed and I took a few minutes to eat some crunchy food and then use the litter box, but then I went back to purring on her. It must have been doing some good because when the clock thingy said 2:45 she said, "You're such a big help" as she tried to roll over.

You know, she could have said, "Max, I need to roll over. Could you move for a moment, please?" but no, she just started moving, which meant I either needed to hop off or get squished. I hopped off, let her get settled, and then hopped back on her.

"Yeah. Thanks."

At least she was polite and appreciative about my efforts.

She slept really late this morning, and even though the Man had fed us, I figured I'd better wake her up before it got to be afternoon. I mean, she'll need to be able to sleep tonight, plus, I was afraid she would wet the bed. I woke her up for her own good.

But man, she doesn't look good. She looks like... well, it's probably in your litter box, if you want to see.

I need to go take a nap. She might need me again tonight.

2011-08-01T17:26:00.001-07:00

Doods?

Doods...we are so screwed.

The mice?

They're getting all buff.

We may have a problem here...

2011-07-31T21:16:00.000-07:00

Usually Buddah and I have to wait until the Woman gets her asterisk out of bed before we get fed, but once in a while the Man gets home a little but late from passing gas, and he goes ahead and opens a can, thinking we'll let her sleep a little later.

When he does this, he feeds me across the kitchen from where I usually eat, because then she'll see the plate on the wrong side of the floor and know we've had breakfast already. Most of the time she doesn't need this, because I do let her sleep. Actually, I really like it when this happens because when I'm not hungry and she's still in bed, I like to go plop down on top of her and take a nap. She's all sleepy-warm, and that's the best kind of warm to snooze on.

But this morning she woke up at her regular time anyway and wandered out into the kitchen. She saw the plate on the wrong side of the kitchen and guessed we had already eaten, but Buddah was on the counter meowing at her and I was on the floor meowing, which confuzzled her. She looked in the trash can and didn't see an empty can in there.

"Better safe than sorry," she said as she opened a can.

We're smart kitties. We wolfed that stinky goodness down fast.

Later on, when she and the Man were having their dinner, which frankly looked like beef barf on a plate so I didn't even ask for any, she asked him if he'd fed us or not.

He admitted that he had.

This puzzled her, and she said she thought he might have, but didn't see the empty can in the trash, so she fed us anyway.

"It's in the recycle can," he told her.

She never even thought to look there.

I was gonna laugh at her, but we hadn't had dinner yet, so I figured I better not, just in case...

2011-07-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

I am not lazy!

I was...tired. Really. Just tired...

2011-07-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the Man and the Woman went someplace different for her to practice walking. They've been there before and they spend hours there and she only walks like 5 miles, but she likes walking there because she gets to see some of her favorite animals, like tigers. She freaking loves tigers. Yesterday they got to see a tiger swimming under water, which apparently wasn't as lame as it sounds because it swam in a pool with see-through walls, and it was right up against the wall closest to them.

Did you know tigers flap their ears closed when they dive underwater? If the Woman would do that, she wouldn't whine so much about getting water in hers.

Anyway, she loves the tigers, but for the first time ever she got to see a fennec fox up close.

Look at those ears! He's a frootbat for sure... Hell, even I looked at that and thought Dooood! Awesome!

Just before she took the picture he was peeing...I think she should get a brownie point or something for letting him finish first. That's not a moment a guy wants captured for posterity.

I wouldn't mind being able to go and see the tigers and this little guy, other than the whole going outside and then getting in the car thing. And the whole that tiger would eat me thing.

They should have a Max display. People would pay to come see me.

Well, I would.

Oh, and don't forget, in less than a month the Woman is going to be drawing numbers for the Nano, the Kindle, and the iPad. Save the Boobies, win a prize!

It's a win-win, really...she does the practice walking and gets all sweaty and stuff, but you get to save the boobies!

2011-07-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

Things on my mind

Someone stopped following me. I notice those things. WHY YOU NO LIKE ME?

The Woman tripped over her own feet earlier. So I guess she really does need all that walking practice.

There’s nothing worth watching out the windows, but I keep looking.

I think we need some sticky people out there. And for someone to rip the bushes out because we can’t see past them.

Buddah likes to use one of the dammit machines as a bed and a place to play. It’s good that someone uses it.

Yeah, we know he hasn’t blogged in forever. He needs help to do it, and the Woman has a lot of things going on.

Plus, he’s a crackhead.

In early May the Man gave the Woman a little vase with a single rose in it. It’s still on the fireplace mantel. It looks really bad.

But then so does the rest of the house.

The Woman wants to know who keeps kicking litter out of the box. I don’t think it matters since she never sweeps in that room anyway.

At least she scoops.

We have the hots, but not nearly as much as our friends back east. They have the Oh Holy Hell Hots.

I am doubly enjoying the cold air blowing thingy just for them.

That’s how awesome I am.

2011-07-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

The People decided to get their asterisks out of bed early this morning (well, early for them, late for normal people) to go to San Francisco so the Woman could practice her walking some more. She says "the city" (like it's some magical hoity toity place...if she were drinking her little finger would have its own little Viagra moment) has good hills to walk on. I think she could just push the button on the Dammit Machine to make it incline higher, but apparently that makes too much sense.

Anyway, they went and practiced walking, and part of that practice is buying stuff. She came home with these blindling yellow-green pants with a matching jacket, something called a track jacket which is kinda dorky because her asterisk isn't going anywhere near a track, and says she walked some good hills but gets winded on them too easy, which is "not a good thing."

Ya think?

Anyway again, she and the Man went into a mall to steal some a/c and have some lunch, and they spotted this and she said "That's totally Skeezix!":

It's a Hello Kitty bicycle!

Srsly, I think if they could have stuck in in the backpack, Skeezix woulda been getting a bike for Happy Skeezix Day. No, I dunno when that day is, but it's probably coincides with teh second day of school, when everyone tries to make him feel better about the school bus not stopping to pick him up.

The bike doesn't have any pedals, though... so if Skeez does wind up getting one, someone's gonna have to push him around on it...

2011-07-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

All that walking practice and the Woman still doesn't have it even close to perfected. I mean, yesterday she practiced for hours and hours, so you'd think she could manage better than the average sticky person, right?

Phfft.

I think she regressed. Right from the time her feet hit the floor this morning, she's been shuffling around like someone shoved a stick up her asterisk. And she's all hunched over like a 90 year old.

Doods. She clearly needs professional help.

I thought I might be able to help her by going online and looking for someone who knows all about walking and can come help her learn a little better, but doods, look what I found!

It's a thingy to help people walk!

It's like someone out there KNOWS her and made this with her in mind!

I am totally buying it for her with my next royalty check, because that's how awesome I am.

2011-07-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

So. I was really nice and let the Woman sleep in a little today, figuring it would get me some chin skritches. But what did she do? After she fed us she went outside to practice walking again!

Doods, all this time and she still doesn't have the whole one foot on front of the other thing down. And she's really bad, since it took her all freaking day to do it. And then later, she got on the dammit machine and did it some more!

Tomorrow, I'm waking her asterisk up at DAWN.

And just a reminder, she and Jeter's Mom and a bunch of others are walking to save the boobies again. DKM is gonna be there to drive people around and to feed them. Even the Man will be there, he's not gonna pass gas, but if anyone gets hurt he's gonna help them.

The Woman is doing two walks and is still trying to raise money--she's like $300 away from goal for the San Francisco walk and over $2200 away for the Atlanta walk--and people who donate have a chance at winning an iPod Nano, a Kindle e-reader, and a 64GB iPad. Those are some freaking awesome prizes! For details and to donate, go to ROCK THE PINK.

2011-07-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

See what I have to put up with?

Every freaking day...

2011-07-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

Let's play Find the Kitty!

At least, we played it yesterday. The Woman heard a thump and then heard me meow--and then nothing. So she freaked out a little and started looking for me, thinking I'd somehow hurt myself. She went up and down the hall, looked in every room, looked under the bed, went into the bathroom and looked in the tub, came into the office and looked under the desk, and then did it all again, all while whispering "Max?" in a kinda loud way.

She wanted to find me, but didn't want to wake the Man up.

Now, I watched most of this, but didn't feel compelled to speak up. I mean, come on, this was entertaining! She just assumed I'd be on the floor or no higher than chair level. She never once looked UP.

Buddah was following her around like a puppy dog, but he didn't rat me out. He knew what was coming next and wanted to be right there when it happened.

And then it did.

She went for the crunchy treats. She went into the kitchen and got the bag of Temptations and started shaking it as she walked down the hall, because that's one thing I cannot resist. And dammit, it worked. She came into the office and I heard the bag crinkle, and without even thinking about it I sat up and meowed.

Man, was she surprised. "How did you get up there?" she asked, obviously not thinking.

I walked down the length of the closet thingies and jumped down to the top of the climbing tower and the light bulb went off over her head. Then she gave us crunchies, and went off to walk on the Dammit Machine for the rest of the day.

Seriously. That thing was on All. Freaking. Day.

I tried it again this morning, jumping up there and meowing, but it didn't work. She didn't get any crunchy treats. She just grabbed her phone and tried to take a picture with it.

Maybe later.

2011-07-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

Look at this!

I was there minding my own business, and Buddah jumped up on the couch just to annoy me. Oh, he acted like he wanted to lay down on the newspaper that was there, but I know better. I know because he stuck his cold wet nose against my furs before he started scratching his chin. And yeah, he plopped down and went to sleep, but I was on the couch first! He ruined my nap!

2011-07-04T13:38:00.001-07:00

Happy 4th of July!
I hope the Big Booms aren't too loud where you are.
I have a bad feeling it's gonna be LOUD here...

2011-06-28T18:15:00.000-07:00

I am NOT playing with the sparkly flying thingy!

I'm not!

2011-06-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

There was lots of real live fresh dead shrimp for my birthday. In fact, there's still some real live fresh dead shrimp in the refrigerator, and I wanted some a little while ago but the Woman was all, "Oh I think that might have gone bad by now. You probably shouldn't eat it," but I was all like, "Well let me sniff it and I'll decide," but then she was all, "No, we need to toss it."

So she closed the refrigerator door, and it's all still in there.

Yeah, people logic.

Now, the other day she and the Man went for a long walk at this place that has six flags over it, and apparently it has giant fish, and they took a picture of one.

But did they bring one home for me?

No.

I mean, that looks like a HUGE fish and I would really like to sample one, but they didn't even think about me while they were there.

On the plus side, there was real live fresh dead cow tonight, so that kind of makes up for not getting the giant fish or even the real live fresh dead shrimp.

I have high hopes for tomorrow. Maybe there will be chicken...

2011-06-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today, I am 10...

2011-06-17T20:02:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I just remembered, my birthday is in 3 days! I'm gonna be ten years old. TEN! That's like...old. But it's a good old...no one expects much of a ten year old cat, but at ten you're still not almost dead.

I think ten shall be a very good year for me.

But there better be real live fresh dead shrimp on Monday.

I don't want presents, I just want shrimp.

2011-06-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

Keep scrolling until you find something that interests you. I got a few things today...

You guys know the Woman and Jeter's Mom are walking for boobies again this year, right? And Diva Kitty's mom is crewing in THREE walks. The Woman is walking twice, one in San Francisco and one in Atlanta, and is still raising bucks for boobs...she's like $500 away from goal on the first walk and hasn't started doing anything for the second because she just made up her mind about it today.

She's got some awesome prizes this year. Lookit:

An iPod Nano and a Kindle 3 w/3G and WiFi, AND a 64 GB iPAD w/3G and WiFi.

To donate to help save the boobies AND to have a chance at winning some awesomeness, go to Rock-the-Pink.com.

And... don't forget about ASK MAX MONDAY at mousebreath! Every Monday I answer your burning questions... Got a question? Just leave it in the comments on my mousebreath! column, or use the link at the top of this page (Ask Ma Anything) and that will send it to my formspring page (though longer questions are best suited for the comments at mousebreath! because Formspring has a limit...)

Oh, and I think the Woman has some really good connections somewhere. This morning, when I was trying to wake her up because I was hungry and she was drooling on her pillow and not getting up to open a can for me, she opened an eye and said, "Do you want to meet Jesus today?"

Well, I said OF COURSE, so when she went outside later I thought she was going to get him, but she came home a few hours later alone. So either he doesn't like her, or she realized the house is too big a mess for company.

But yeah, anytime she wants to invite him over, I totally want to meet him.

2011-06-05T22:12:00.001-07:00

Oh man. Doods, you will not believe this. Today, while the Woman was out walking the streets, she saw this:

A cat on a bike.

In a basket on the bike.

And she says the cat liked it!

Now, I have to take her word for it because she didn't get a picture, but based on her description, I think I did a fairly accurate drawing.

She thought it was so cool, a cat riding on a bicycle.

Well, I am stating publicly that she better not be getting any ideas, because if she thinks I am going to happily take a ride on ANY kind of bike and buys a basket for her bike and tries to stick me in it, I will eat her face off.

Srsly.

She needs to find better places to walk. She gets too many weird notions walking around here.

2011-06-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

A little while ago the Woman was in the kitchen, where Buddah was begging for crunchy food, and she looked at the container in which the crunchy food is kept and said, "Oh no, I forgot to go buy you guys the good food."

This caused much excitement, because the good food? It tastes like krap.

"I'll just give you some of the other dry food tonight."

The other food? It tastes like awesome.

Tonight, we are happy kitties. Hopefully she'll forget again tomorrow. That's possible, given her puny people brain and all.

2011-05-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

I like my routine. I know it well, and I like it when things go the way they're supposed to go.

Like every morning, I know the order of things.

Curl up on top of the Woman and make sure she wakes up
Herd her into the bathroom
Plop down on her feet while she uses the giant litter box
Jump up on the counter and watch while she stands on the Dammit Box
Headbutt the box on the wall where she keeps her rugs so she remembers to take them
Jump down and wait for the door to open
Herd her into the bedroom so she can change clothes
Herd her into the kitchen so she can open a can of Stinky Goodness

It's an 8 step process. It's simple. She should have it memorized by now. But no...once in a while she screws up the order of things, and I have to stop to think what should come next.

Like, this morning? I made sure she woke up, but instead of going into the bathroom she went ahead and out her clothes on. Well, after clothes comes herding her into the kitchen, so I started down the hall but then she went into the bathroom. So I went in and headed for the giant litter box but no, so took her drugs. So I jumped up on the counter thinking she would stand on the Dammit Box, but then she went to the giant litter box.

What the frak?

Man, I didn't know what to expect after that, so when she opened the bathroom door I didn't trust where she would wind up she I just kind of stood there in the hallway and waited.

Luckily she remembered she was supposed to open a can for me, otherwise I might still be standing there trying to figure out where I was supposed to make her go next.

Sheesh.

2011-05-18T22:06:00.000-07:00

I'm annoyed.

The people had the last week "off" which makes a kitty think that there will be plenty of blogging being done because HEY the people are OFF and that means HOME, with a computer turned on.

But no.

Apparently "off" means out riding rumbly bikes. And "off" means that when at home, watching 16 zillion episodes of Doctor Who.

(BTW I want a TARDIS for Christmas. Not that I was watching, too...)

It was so bad, my lack of computer time, that when I went to read my friends' blogs, there were over 400 posts stacked up in Google Reader. FOUR HUNDRED!

Clearly, I am neglected.

Clearly.

2011-05-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

Ignoring the Woman...

2011-05-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

Doods...heads up. Ask Max Anything is not a dead entity. You can still submit questions to it, but from now on I'll be answering them over at mousebreath! in my new Ask Max Monday column.

Alternately, you can just leave a question in the comments of Ask Max Monday. Whatever works for you!